Create a custom theme
0
Hey, ricky29, I know this is a public blog, but it's that way because it has a stronger effect for me than if it were private. I am hurting right now, and I need to vent some things out that would probably sting you pretty badly. If you read this, please take it all with a grain of salt due to how I'm feeling as I write it out.
A large source of aggravation has been lifted from my life--and that's the opposite schedules my wife and I had. Changing shifts after two years is taking its toll on her--she seems as if she's fought a small war. Yesterday I was extremely angry that she just came home and grabbed up my PSP right away, then flopped on the bed when I asked for it back. She said not one cross word to me, performed not a single rude action. She was dead tired and I suppose that the allure of GTA was enough to keep her awake for a few minutes longer. We had promised each other we would clean house yesterday, but we just let it slide. It wasn't worth an argument, so I decided not to start one. The house is cleaner, as we both did what we could. She helped with laundry in the end.
Hang on, I'm going to steal her grape soda while she's at work...
I have three job interviews in the next two days, and I'm sick of not having a job. I made out the monthly budget for this month with my unemployment and what we have saved. I have rough estimates of her new paychecks that show where they can cover non vital stuff. However, not knowing what I'm going to be making at my next job prevents me from drafting a tentative budget we can stick to. I'm a plasma donor, and it's something that I can do a couple of nights a week if my wife decides she wants to wait tables.
Herein lies my problem, though. Although much of my emotional problems have settled down, I am left to clean up the mess created by a couple of folks' actions. It's one of those things where people have to realize they're never going to agree on what actually happened, so I'm not going to mention names.
I have to have a doctor's signature on a release form to continue those plasma donations. In addition to making medicine, they also pad my wallet. Thinking about who did what really does still hurt me a lot. Save the life, no matter what the cost. What happens when something sacred is ripped away from you and you live to tell about it? What happens when your life shatters and the only thing left is you? When something goes horribly wrong inside you at the worst possible moment, something that should destroy you, and people try only to prevent the destruction? They don't try to fix the problem--they just stop the destruction and leave you to suffer. If your dog gets deathly sick, you're probably going to consider euthanasia. Put him to sleep and he won't have to suffer any more. Some people have made that choice for themselves, however, it's generally not the thing to do.
This leaves us with one choice--fix the f'ing problems!! If you're going to stick your nose into a suicidal person's life, why not become friends with them and see how you can help them to feel like something more than toxic waste again!? How about keeping them company instead of turning complete strangers loose on them?
When does a married person draw the line? When does he or she decide that the hurt involved is too great for either themselves or their spouse and say "I messed up when I made that promise, and I can't uphold it any more."? How much does their health have to degrade? How angry or sad do they have to get?
How does the spouse live with someone who has acknowledged from the very outset that (despite what most Christians tell you) marriage is, in fact, nowhere near permanent at all? Don't get me wrong, I'll fight hard to save it. But will that fight ever become vain? If there's no possible good outcome, then what is the point of fighting to save a marriage?
I look at the damage done to my life in the last three months, and I wonder if that damage was worth the decisions I made. I had a feeling twice that I was making a mistake when I made a big decision. For the time being, I choose to live with the consequences of those decisions. The jury's still out on both as to whether they were actually bad or not.
My wife asked me the other day "Was getting married worth it?" I honestly don't know. We are still great friends. The only things that have changed are that we live together and we have sex. Never once did we have to glare at each other because we were hurting so badly. We didn't yell at each other, or push each other around. That is, none of that happened until we got married.
If I'm lonely, I can go hang out with friends. If I want noise and activity in my home, I can either get a dog or turn the television on. That's a whole lot easier than what I've been through for the last three months. As for sex, well, dirty magazines are cheaper than losing my job over a marriage.
Now how does that make getting married "worth it?" Why not have me alienate ALL my friends while we're at it, and maybe get my family to disown me, too?
Someday I will ask my ex wife again where she drew the line with me.
I don't care to hurt with the pain of divorce ever again, though, and maybe there's a shred remaining of that great friendship ricky29 and I had. I can't just throw that away.
No, I don't miss my mommy, either, for those that think I'm broke because she died when I was a young boy. Actually, I'm still kind of ticked at her that she wouldn't bust my butt more often.
I'm in that mood of stinging everyone I know again--my recent posts show it.
I gotta get some sleep. I was up all night last night. Leave me alone.
A large source of aggravation has been lifted from my life--and that's the opposite schedules my wife and I had. Changing shifts after two years is taking its toll on her--she seems as if she's fought a small war. Yesterday I was extremely angry that she just came home and grabbed up my PSP right away, then flopped on the bed when I asked for it back. She said not one cross word to me, performed not a single rude action. She was dead tired and I suppose that the allure of GTA was enough to keep her awake for a few minutes longer. We had promised each other we would clean house yesterday, but we just let it slide. It wasn't worth an argument, so I decided not to start one. The house is cleaner, as we both did what we could. She helped with laundry in the end.
Hang on, I'm going to steal her grape soda while she's at work...
I have three job interviews in the next two days, and I'm sick of not having a job. I made out the monthly budget for this month with my unemployment and what we have saved. I have rough estimates of her new paychecks that show where they can cover non vital stuff. However, not knowing what I'm going to be making at my next job prevents me from drafting a tentative budget we can stick to. I'm a plasma donor, and it's something that I can do a couple of nights a week if my wife decides she wants to wait tables.
Herein lies my problem, though. Although much of my emotional problems have settled down, I am left to clean up the mess created by a couple of folks' actions. It's one of those things where people have to realize they're never going to agree on what actually happened, so I'm not going to mention names.
I have to have a doctor's signature on a release form to continue those plasma donations. In addition to making medicine, they also pad my wallet. Thinking about who did what really does still hurt me a lot. Save the life, no matter what the cost. What happens when something sacred is ripped away from you and you live to tell about it? What happens when your life shatters and the only thing left is you? When something goes horribly wrong inside you at the worst possible moment, something that should destroy you, and people try only to prevent the destruction? They don't try to fix the problem--they just stop the destruction and leave you to suffer. If your dog gets deathly sick, you're probably going to consider euthanasia. Put him to sleep and he won't have to suffer any more. Some people have made that choice for themselves, however, it's generally not the thing to do.
This leaves us with one choice--fix the f'ing problems!! If you're going to stick your nose into a suicidal person's life, why not become friends with them and see how you can help them to feel like something more than toxic waste again!? How about keeping them company instead of turning complete strangers loose on them?
When does a married person draw the line? When does he or she decide that the hurt involved is too great for either themselves or their spouse and say "I messed up when I made that promise, and I can't uphold it any more."? How much does their health have to degrade? How angry or sad do they have to get?
How does the spouse live with someone who has acknowledged from the very outset that (despite what most Christians tell you) marriage is, in fact, nowhere near permanent at all? Don't get me wrong, I'll fight hard to save it. But will that fight ever become vain? If there's no possible good outcome, then what is the point of fighting to save a marriage?
I look at the damage done to my life in the last three months, and I wonder if that damage was worth the decisions I made. I had a feeling twice that I was making a mistake when I made a big decision. For the time being, I choose to live with the consequences of those decisions. The jury's still out on both as to whether they were actually bad or not.
My wife asked me the other day "Was getting married worth it?" I honestly don't know. We are still great friends. The only things that have changed are that we live together and we have sex. Never once did we have to glare at each other because we were hurting so badly. We didn't yell at each other, or push each other around. That is, none of that happened until we got married.
If I'm lonely, I can go hang out with friends. If I want noise and activity in my home, I can either get a dog or turn the television on. That's a whole lot easier than what I've been through for the last three months. As for sex, well, dirty magazines are cheaper than losing my job over a marriage.
Now how does that make getting married "worth it?" Why not have me alienate ALL my friends while we're at it, and maybe get my family to disown me, too?
Someday I will ask my ex wife again where she drew the line with me.
I don't care to hurt with the pain of divorce ever again, though, and maybe there's a shred remaining of that great friendship ricky29 and I had. I can't just throw that away.
No, I don't miss my mommy, either, for those that think I'm broke because she died when I was a young boy. Actually, I'm still kind of ticked at her that she wouldn't bust my butt more often.
I'm in that mood of stinging everyone I know again--my recent posts show it.
I gotta get some sleep. I was up all night last night. Leave me alone.
