Mattel Hyperscan Review

[Lord Thag]

So, what should we make of Mattels brave new venture into the low end game market? Is it a new Intellivision? Is it a clever blend of marketing, CCGs and video gaming? Or is it a giant pile of steaming yak doodie served on a shiny plate by a smiling waiter who steals your wallet?

 

The answer, my friends, is none of the above. A big steaming plate of yak poo is a step up from this thing, lemme tell ya. HOLY FRIGGIN' CRAP does this thing suck on a trans-galactic scale! I mean, we're not talking Jakks sucky, or even nes-on-a-chip famiclone/flashback sucky. Hell no! No, those are more like purgatory. The Hyperscan is HELL. HELL I tell you! My lord, what sick idiot let this thing out the door? I'll grant the packaging is pretty nice, and the ergonomics of the console's design are fairly pleasing. Unfortunately, however, the controller looks (and feels) like it was designed by dyslexic pygmy marmots spun out on LSD. And the games! It comes packed with this 'x-men' fighting 'game'. Yessir, it does. Says so on the box, even.

 

Now, by fighting, we don't mean actual combat. No, we mean beating your head against the wall because you have to wait upwards of twenty seconds BETWEEN EACH FIGHT (not each game, each ROUND) while the blasted thing loads. Yeah, think xbox morrowind every minute or so. Now, I might almost be willing to forgive this travesty if the system was loading something, well, pleasingly game-like. Once you scan your character in (and you MUST have the character card to even play that character), and wait until next month for it to load, you are greeted by....

 

Imagine a CD-I. Remember those awful things? Now imagine this was a very bad CD-I and it decided to rape a Jaguar Fight for Life cart which had genetic abnormalities. Imagine the Jaggy cart gave birth to a fighting game so disgusting that it screamed in horror, and tried to strangle the hiddeous thing and threw it down the sewer. Imagine this freakish, twitchy, god-awful avatar of wretchedness actually survived in this new land of urine and feces and was raised by a family of mutant Maggoty Banana Slugs that taught it the secret art of Shaq-Fu. Got that?

 

This game is worse.

 

The animation makes the original Mortal Kombat look like a disney film by comparison. Now imagine the 'X-men' characters each have one (and only one) spoken line of dialogue, and that each line was lovingly recorded by Little Richard during a snowstorm on a twenty year old tape deck. Imagine the Mattel execs came up with great lines like 'you are weak like unwashed leiderhozen' (sp).

 

 

No joke. That's a direct quote. Thank's Nightcrawler. Then imagine that the game moves as slowly as a bowel movement at the local rest home pizza night, and that all of this nail biting action is accompanied by a thrilling soundtrack of ... weird noise. Kinda like a kid randomly poking keys on a '80s electronic Casio keyboard with the reverb setting on. Now, imagine that you have a vast repetoire of fighting moves like 'punch', 'kick', 'really slow punch', and 'suck ass'. The game has a ton of strategy though. Yeah, you are constantly forced to choose between randomly mashing a button (I'm partial to 'really slow punch') or gouging your eyes out with the controller. The second option becomes more appealing as time wears on.

 

Hands down, this is the worst game system I have ever played. It's worse than the CD-I. Its worse than the Game.Com and it's worse than the R-Zone(!). Hell, I'd rather play my APF or RCA Studio II than this travesty. Seriously. Stay very, very far away.

 

Now, on the good side, the thing does have a USB port on the back, so it's possible it could become a cool homebrew system (the specs are not all that bad on paper.) Maybe one of the other games will not suck. Who knows? I'll tell you what I know. Someday, when I'm sitting in my giant, planet destroying space cruiser, having conquered the known galaxy, my enemies will play the Mattel Hyperscan. And they will weep.

 

Oh yes, they will weep.

Edited October 6, 2006 by Lord Thag

[JB]

Hands down, this is the worst game system I have ever played. It's worse than the CD-I. Its worse than the Game.Com and it's worse than the R-Zone(!). Hell, I'd rather play my APF or RCA Studio II than this travesty. Seriously. Stay very, very far away.

Worse than the Studio 2? OUCH!

 

 

You've saved me some money.

I'm waiting for the bargin-bin now(it's too cute an idea to ignore totally).

Edited October 6, 2006 by JB

[Gabriel]

But.... but! It's $70! It's the cheapest new videogame system out there, everyone should flock to it!

 

Yeah, I was a bit scared when I saw the Way of the Warrior level animation in the demo. I hoped that wasn't the final product.

 

I wonder why load times are so bad? Even the old Sega CD managed 7 seconds between fights in MK and Fatal Fury Special.

 

Still, the idea itself is neat. SNK/Playmore and Capcom really should put out a little device like this to crank out their 10 year old games on, along with a card gimmick with a bit more meat on it.

[+remowilliams]

Hands down, this is the worst game system I have ever played. It's worse than the CD-I. Its worse than the Game.Com and it's worse than the R-Zone(!). Hell, I'd rather play my APF or RCA Studio II than this travesty. Seriously. Stay very, very far away.

LOL - that was an excellent review

 

Sounds like the Hyperscan is a tad better than I thought it would be

[Flojomojo]

HOLY FRIGGIN' CRAP does this thing suck on a trans-galactic scale! The Hyperscan is HELL. HELL I tell you! My lord, what sick idiot let this thing out the door? The controller looks (and feels) like it was designed by dyslexic pygmy marmots spun out on LSD. You have to wait upwards of twenty seconds BETWEEN EACH FIGHT (not each game, each ROUND) while the blasted thing loads. Yeah, think xbox morrowind every minute or so. Imagine this was a very bad CD-I and it decided to rape a Jaguar Fight for Life cart which had genetic abnormalities. Imagine the Jaggy cart gave birth to a fighting game so disgusting that it screamed in horror, and tried to strangle the hiddeous thing and threw it down the sewer. Imagine this freakish, twitchy, god-awful avatar of wretchedness actually survived in this new land of urine and feces and was raised by a family of mutant Maggoty Banana Slugs that taught it the secret art of Shaq-Fu. Got that?

 

This game is worse.

 

Hands down, this is the worst game system I have ever played. It's worse than the CD-I. Its worse than the Game.Com and it's worse than the R-Zone(!). Hell, I'd rather play my APF or RCA Studio II than this travesty. Seriously. Stay very, very far away.

So, did you like it? I can't tell from your review.

 

Seventy bucks is a lot to expect out of gramdma for an unresearched holiday gift. What were they thinking? Tax shelter?

[RickHarrisMaine]

well its aiming at the 4-8 year old demographic, and I'm willing to bet that my 7 year old will love it. I think Jakks might have had something to do with this, though, because they were just acquired by Mattel. And remember, the Intellivision kinda sucked at launch too.....

[EmOneGarand]

Unfortunately, however, the controller looks (and feels) like it was designed by dyslexic pygmy marmots spun out on LSD.

Yeah those controllers did look like crap, are the controller ports DIN? they look like DIN from the screen shots I've seen.

Now, by fighting, we don't mean actual combat. No, we mean beating your head against the wall because you have to wait upwards of twenty seconds BETWEEN EACH FIGHT (not each game, each ROUND) while the blasted thing loads.

What kind of drive is it sporting? Makes me think of the NeoGeo CD and it's terribly slow loading

Imagine a CD-I. Remember those awful things?

[Atarifever]

the Mattel execs came up with great lines like 'you are weak like unwashed leiderhozen' (sp).

 

 

No joke. That's a direct quote. Thank's Nightcrawler.

Of everything you wrote, that is the part that makes me saddest. I'd turn the game off at the exact point where he said that.

 

You know what though? I have this thing about loving systems that fail. Accordingly, I imagine I'll be on here in a month defending this thing.

[Flojomojo]

You're only a friend of the underdog if you bought it at full retail price, though. How many Jaguar fans paid $250 for their console at launch?

[JB]

Yeah those controllers did look like crap, are the controller ports DIN? they look like DIN from the screen shots I've seen.

Box shows miniDIN-6 as controller ports. IE: standard PS/2 keyboard/mouse connectors.

[Jess Ragan]

well its aiming at the 4-8 year old demographic, and I'm willing to bet that my 7 year old will love it. I think Jakks might have had something to do with this, though, because they were just acquired by Mattel. And remember, the Intellivision kinda sucked at launch too.....

 

All right, let's make one thing clear right now. HYPERSCAN DOES NOT EQUAL INTELLIVISION. Every ounce of soul in the Intellivision vanished from Mattel in the mid 1980's, when the developers responsible for its hardware and games left the company and took the system's intellectual property rights with them.

 

There is not a trace of the Intellivision left within Mattel, and any attempt to make a link between the console and the Hyperscan is wrongheaded and hopelessly optimistic. The Hyperscan doesn't bear even the slightest resemblence to the Intellivision in design. If anything, Mattel's new system looks like the end result of an orgy between the Sega Dreamcast, the Virtual Boy, and the U-Scan at your local supermarket.

 

JR

[Cheese007]

I'm really hoping that all the games aren't as bad as this. Btw can we see some pics of the unit up and running? I want to see if those underside lights are real or photoshop.

Edited October 6, 2006 by Cheese007

[JB]

If anything, Mattel's new system looks like the end result of an orgy between the Sega Dreamcast, the Virtual Boy, and the U-Scan at your local supermarket.

 

JR

A VB/Dreamcast child could be pretty awesome...

Damn barcode readers ruin everything

[Dusk2600]

these will be at next years yardsales, cus parents will buy their kids it this x mas and by next summer it will be 2.00 in the richy neighborhoods with young families, i can see it now.....

 

 

 

Edited October 7, 2006 by Dusk2600

[sega saturn x]

it will be 2.00 at any store dumb enough to stock them

Fixed

[Atarifever]

I think Mattel should be pushing it a lot more. Look at the marketing potential. Imagine, a couple of companies start up new toy/cartoon brands (similar to Pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, and the rest) with this thing in mind. They go into thinking that each season gets a new CD game based around the latest season of the cartoon. In fact, they could sell 2 or 3 CDs per season, and have each one be the story though the eyes of one side or the other. Then, you let the kids buy booster packs for "their" faction in their storyline, and each storyline could have several different factions (like a kid with the good guy season could choose booster packs for yellow, blue, or red teams, and the bad guys could align with either green, black, or gold for example). Every season the creators of the show get to put out whole new games and whole new runs of the booster packs making them specific to each season. And they can do all of this with really low development costs (given the hardware), and with the card technology right there.

 

Sure you can already do similar stuff with just the cards, but when someone has the hardware there to let you reach out to the videogame generation, I don't see how there isn't a marketing orgy around this thing. Imagine, kids could be swapping cards from three or four shows/games at a time, all for the same piece of technology. How is this not everywhere yet when toy manufacturers have been complaining that it's harder to sell kids toys now that videogames are so big?

[captainjustice]

Hyperscasn is cool and fun. You should try it.

Edited October 9, 2006 by captainjustice

[Cheese007]

I Hours of fun? From what the review says, more like nanoseconds.

[captainjustice]

really, you should.

Edited October 9, 2006 by captainjustice

[Cheese007]

Nice try editing your post. Why do I have the feeling you're a Mattel employee?

[jerry32]

So, what should we make of Mattels brave new venture into the low end game market? Is it a new Intellivision? Is it a clever blend of marketing, CCGs and video gaming? Or is it a giant pile of steaming yak doodie served on a shiny plate by a smiling waiter who steals your wallet?

 

The answer, my friends, is none of the above. A big steaming plate of yak poo is a step up from this thing, lemme tell ya. HOLY FRIGGIN' CRAP does this thing suck on a trans-galactic scale! I mean, we're not talking Jakks sucky, or even nes-on-a-chip famiclone/flashback sucky. Hell no! No, those are more like purgatory. The Hyperscan is HELL. HELL I tell you! My lord, what sick idiot let this thing out the door? I'll grant the packaging is pretty nice, and the ergonomics of the console's design are fairly pleasing. Unfortunately, however, the controller looks (and feels) like it was designed by dyslexic pygmy marmots spun out on LSD. And the games! It comes packed with this 'x-men' fighting 'game'. Yessir, it does. Says so on the box, even.

 

Now, by fighting, we don't mean actual combat. No, we mean beating your head against the wall because you have to wait upwards of twenty seconds BETWEEN EACH FIGHT (not each game, each ROUND) while the blasted thing loads. Yeah, think xbox morrowind every minute or so. Now, I might almost be willing to forgive this travesty if the system was loading something, well, pleasingly game-like. Once you scan your character in (and you MUST have the character card to even play that character), and wait until next month for it to load, you are greeted by....

 

Imagine a CD-I. Remember those awful things? Now imagine this was a very bad CD-I and it decided to rape a Jaguar Fight for Life cart which had genetic abnormalities. Imagine the Jaggy cart gave birth to a fighting game so disgusting that it screamed in horror, and tried to strangle the hiddeous thing and threw it down the sewer. Imagine this freakish, twitchy, god-awful avatar of wretchedness actually survived in this new land of urine and feces and was raised by a family of mutant Maggoty Banana Slugs that taught it the secret art of Shaq-Fu. Got that?

 

This game is worse.

 

The animation makes the original Mortal Kombat look like a disney film by comparison. Now imagine the 'X-men' characters each have one (and only one) spoken line of dialogue, and that each line was lovingly recorded by Little Richard during a snowstorm on a twenty year old tape deck. Imagine the Mattel execs came up with great lines like 'you are weak like unwashed leiderhozen' (sp).

 

 

No joke. That's a direct quote. Thank's Nightcrawler. Then imagine that the game moves as slowly as a bowel movement at the local rest home pizza night, and that all of this nail biting action is accompanied by a thrilling soundtrack of ... weird noise. Kinda like a kid randomly poking keys on a '80s electronic Casio keyboard with the reverb setting on. Now, imagine that you have a vast repetoire of fighting moves like 'punch', 'kick', 'really slow punch', and 'suck ass'. The game has a ton of strategy though. Yeah, you are constantly forced to choose between randomly mashing a button (I'm partial to 'really slow punch') or gouging your eyes out with the controller. The second option becomes more appealing as time wears on.

 

Hands down, this is the worst game system I have ever played. It's worse than the CD-I. Its worse than the Game.Com and it's worse than the R-Zone(!). Hell, I'd rather play my APF or RCA Studio II than this travesty. Seriously. Stay very, very far away.

 

Now, on the good side, the thing does have a USB port on the back, so it's possible it could become a cool homebrew system (the specs are not all that bad on paper.) Maybe one of the other games will not suck. Who knows? I'll tell you what I know. Someday, when I'm sitting in my giant, planet destroying space cruiser, having conquered the known galaxy, my enemies will play the Mattel Hyperscan. And they will weep.

 

Oh yes, they will weep.

thank you , thank you, thank you i was really considering buying this for my younger sons (ages 10&12) it seems if i would have brought for them they would have grown to hate me

[Atarifever]

Nice try editing your post. Why do I have the feeling you're a Mattel employee?

I thought I was the only one to notice that original post.

 

You get the feeling he's a mattel employee because he's a Mattel employee. I hope he tells his bosses to fix the blatent sexism on their website that lables a portable video watching device a "boys toy". Because young girls don't hate anything more than cartoons and music videos. Oh, and non domestic technology. Yeah, that distracts them from playing with kitchen sets.

Edited October 10, 2006 by Atarifever

[Cheese007]

I'll buy it if he gives me 1,000 T-hunt HW cars.

[JB]

Viral marketing gone horribly horribly wrong. Pity no one quoted the originals for posterity.

[Jess Ragan]

Don't worry, the exact same sentiments will show up on a dozen other web sites.

 

JR